I have an average penis. It’s not big, it’s not small. It’s like a Honda Civic: common, very functional with good mileage. Of all the interesting parts of my body, my penis should not be anything of interest to anyone I don’t fuck, because well, it’s what you’ll find in most men. But throughout my life, as an Asian man, I’ve been defined by it. I’m better at fucking than I am at math, but no one laughs at my average math brain. That’s funny, because everyone seems to “know” I have a small dick. Are there hidden cameras everywhere? Are one of my vindictive exs smearing me? It’s interesting, because comedian Louis C.K. “knows” about it.
Recently, in his very disastrous attempt of a comeback, among lashing out at Parkland kids and transgender people, Louis C.K. said this: “You know why Asian guys have small dicks? ‘Cause they’re women. They’re not dudes. They’re all women. All Asians are women. And they have big clits, really big clits and when they have sex, they just stick their clits in each other’s pussies and then they procreate using math.”
In Asia, no one talks about penis size. Sure, they talk about dicks and sex, but no one cares about a penis caste system. I envy this. As their Asian-American counterparts, Asian men like myself were taught by Western society that no matter what we achieve, we’ll always be the losers with small dicks. Black men? They’re taught that they’re dumb and should just shut up and dribble; women are hysterical and too emotional for leadership. Brown people are immigrants making America dirtier. Asian men? Big brains, small dicks; in other words, ask Asian men to do your homework, not to go to prom.
Louis C.K.’s words don’t shock me, but the amount of people who don’t understand the small penis as a damaging stereotype rattle me. I’ve been in boardrooms and happy hours, backyard barbecues and group dates. Asian men having small dicks is an “okay” joke and I’ve seen co-workers, neighbors, strangers and clients chuckle. “What’s the harm?” a white guy assured me once, “You Asian guys make up for it with your high salaries.”
But this is what I heard: “Shut up and dribble.”
White people can make fun of you as long as they can give you a compliment of their choosing (and that compliment is often useless). If you’re a woman, the version of this would be “you’re so emotional, but that’s okay, you’re beautiful.”
I know what Louis C.K. was going for. He was challenging us to take a joke, but you never joke by punching down because that’s what bullies do.
The emasculation of Asian men in Western society is an understated one and often times dismissed because we’re men. But we’re not white men. Louis CK so poignantly says Asian men are women and he’s not exactly wrong, because saying our penises are useless is essentially Western society’s way of putting Asian men in the same oppressed position as women. In Western society, Asian men are not “man” enough. We don’t have hairs on our chests and most of us are under six feet. It’s an old white man’s way of making himself feel relevant. All the white kids now are “gay” and “feminine”. Black men are athletic with no brains. Women are emotional, nasty feminists. Mexicans work hard, but they stink. Etc. etc.
I write this article because I’m tired of being known for my dick. I’m sick of it defining me. It’s a big giant smear job directed towards an entire demographic that greatly affects their lives. Straight white guys are obsessed with dicks. Louis CK is trying to make a comeback with Asian dudes’ dicks. Maybe, perhaps, it’s straight white men who are dirty, emotional, dumb and, yes, maybe have small dicks. But that’s okay, because when I find out that one of you do, I won’t laugh, because unlike Louis CK, I can tell smarter and more original jokes without having to punching down.
If you like my snarky and unique observations about Asian diaspora, please consider buying my novel Asians Don’t Date on Amazon. Thank you.